Distractions

3 - 2 - 1...  Question of the day:  When I feel good about myself I feel like I'm always waiting for something shitty to happen.  Fuckin' A I'm feeling really happy - What am I forgetting or ignoring that's going to fuck up this feeling?  The theory has been thrown around that I'm addicted to feeling like shit and I am subconsciously sabotaging myself.  Someone in my shoes would say - I've seen so much shitty that it seems like happy isn't an option.  So the question - Am I causing bad shit to happen because I'm addicted to it - or - Am I noticing bad shit because I'm used to seeing bad shit - or - is nothing bad, everything is an experience to be learned from?

I've been having trouble writing lately.  Every time I sit down to write, I smile and try to figure out what's on my mind that's worth writing about.  Well - take a look back in my archives - most of the stuff I write comes from a place of angst.  The stuff that's on my mind right now is big - really big - requires much time and work to write.  The point is - I've been happy.  When I'm happy - all the little shit becomes, well, little.  Mind you - I'm still looking at this chick's shoes out of the corner of my eye - and now I'm back to that point where I really want to learn how to get over my social issues.  Time to turn on the experiment again?

{{~~brain~~  watch out folks, Jason's about to go the fuck off.}}

So I've been reading - a lot - about how to get over my severe social anxiety issues and my over-flowing shyness.  The best answer that I've concluded from everything I've read is - just fucking do it damn it.  They say shit like - relax, be yourself, act natural - blah blah...  None of that stops the feeling that I'm about to pass out when I try to talk to someone new.  Say that I think too much a few more times, I'm sure that will stop happening any minute now.  I know where the feeling comes from - I'm overly self aware and completely over stimulated with data from what's going on.  My thoughts become a constant scream in my head because they're coming too fast.  I get quiet because I'm having trouble filtering out the anxiety from normal thoughts and I'm 100% certain that it would be a bad idea to come out with what ever's on my mind.  {~~brain~~ Within about 10 minutes it's something like - genetics and personality type - clothes and other cultural indicators (like accent and language) - intelligence/memory type - after that it's a cluster fuck of analytics that - in some cases - ends with me having a really good idea what a relationship with this person might be like.  Which I feed to Jason for funzies because that motherfucker needs to learn how to deal with it.}  Like I said before, most people aren't receptive to me knowing shit about them they didn't tell me.  That leaves me quiet, anxious, over thinking myself to no end.  AH!

Reading on - I hear that people like me (Introverted, intuitive, feeling, analyzing) are way happier if they become more social.  (thus the experiment) - this is absolutely true.  The times when I'm happy are the times when I have people around me.  I mean - I escape to one of the most public places you can go in order to be alone.  ((I wonder if the crowd of people around me just got offended when I put my headphones in.  Seems that way - they just walked away...  I'm all about smelling like Sweet Basil being a turn on - and yeah the chemical properties of Arugula are really interesting... Okay now I feel like an ass - quit scaring off beautiful ladies by being unapproachable.))

Shit forgot my point...  - damn that girl is beautiful, tall, slender - button nose - heels (vintage style) - black dress - black stockings -  short pony tail.  I bet she's trying to grow her hair out and recently became really proud that she can now put it in a pony tail. There's an art show going on at Day's Espresso and I'm sitting in a booth underneath a couple pieces of art.  All the patrons and artists are walking around and stopping right next to me to look at the paintings.  I appreciate the look of a draped black dress and a very deliberate look on a woman.  The person who seems like she's running this show is also very lovely.  I think I've seen her before - probably here - I think her and I would get along if I could figure out what to say - how to get into the conversation.  She's wearing stilettos and those pants that look like stockings with this long undulant blouse that looks like it has a flower/butterfly pattern on each side.  She has black hair, a defined jaw line and ample pursing lips.  Her features are very well drawn.  Her personality is that of 'come hither'; if not on purpose then she just ends up being the center of attention.  A crowd of people has been around her all evening - where she's been the one engaging the conversation.

Too many people - too many distractions -  told you - having trouble writing.  I think I'm done writing about down shit for a while - I'm going to try to write more structured things.  Time to go - I'm heading to Sergio's for some yummy beer.