A first at first

A week of firsts has left me feeling just a little more lonely than I was before.  Over-thinking, wishing, trying...rince; repeat.  My nerves are frayed; my hands are shaking; typing this seems impossible; I'm having serious trouble understanding why...

From all fronts my mind is torn when it comes to how I feel and what I should do. I honestly didn't know it was possible for me to feel this way. A big part of me thinks (knows) that any step I take other than "do nothing" will be a mistake.  I'm not keen on  putting people into awkward positions for the sake of getting something off my chest.

My friends say that I couldn't possibly know he outcome of putting myself into these situations.  "What's the worst that could happen?": has been bounced around a lot the last couple weeks.  Also posit the situation where I get what I want...maybe too much of it...measure your happiness  vs the angst of possibly loosing a friendship that isn't even a real friendship.

I look into her eyes and feel the pointlessness of my endeavor.  "Prove me wrong," I think, "and I'll prove you wrong."

The first time I really considered being wholly honest with her.
The frist time I looked hard at someone for a long time.
The first time someone made me feel special.
The first phone number.
The first date, though that's not what it was.
The first time I didn't feel completely alone.
The first time someone made me feel really wanted.
The first time someone saw what I was really feeling.

It wasn't the first time I hid.
Not the first time I thought too much.
Not the first time I was confused about what I want.
Not the first time I made someone run away.
Not the first night I didn't sleep.
Not the first obsession.
Not the first time I felt like disappearing.
Not the first time I kept it all inside.
Not the first time I didn't act on my feelings.
Not the first weekend alone.
Not the first Monday running away for some time alone, wishing that someone was here to interrupt it.