Nom Nom - Tacos!

This - ladies and gentlemen is beauty for your tongue.

I know I seem cocky about some things - but I look at it this way - I know what I know - and I know what I'm good at.  Sure, I've made some flop food before, but more often than not the stuff that I make is - "nom nom" - and every once in a while - like today - I make borderline orgasm food...

It started out as me wanting to make tacos. Simple enough - I make kick ass tacos.  I heat two soft corn tortillas with a slice of cheese between.  Then I put some cooked chopped steak, homemade pico de gallo, and lettuce - done - simple - yummy.  But today I had an itch to scratch - I wanted to cook.

I grabbed some angus sirloin and cut it up into about 1 inch cubes.  I browned those in a hot pan. Then I added a beer.   I've got a cream stout in the fridge right now, though any beer would do.  And a can of pineapple.  A few big pinches of salt, some chili powder, cumin, a couple bunches of fresh oregano and a couple cloves of crushed garlic.  Bring all that to a boil - then cover and reduce the heat and let that simmer for a couple hours until the meat breaks down.  Then remove the lid and increase the heat and let the liquid reduce until you're happy.

Pico!  2 tomatoes diced - half an onion diced - 1 Medium Jalapeno cored and diced - cilantro chopped (I like a lot) - juice of 1/2 to 1 lime - salt  Carefully mix all that together, cover and refrigerate - don't skip chilling!  It helps marry the flavors!

I like these organic yellow corn tortillas you can find at whole foods...but whatever...  Take two of those and put some yummy cheese in between (sliced mozzarella is good, colby-jack is better) put that on a hot skillet until it's hot then flip it, take it out when it's done.  Throw some bomb-ass meat, pico, and lettuce on the tortilla and eat it.  Black beans are a good healthy side.

You know that's right!

If Tarzan were a brain

Damn it - why is it that when I start thinking about life, my life, and the future - that crap like this is what pops into my head. - - What's the origin of male / female social roles? - - ((Jason's brain ~ Here's your sign; dumb ass.))  The things that make me go hmm the most are the things that make me think about people and their interactions with each other.  ((Brain~and your curse that you can't think about people's interactions with you -- or your interactions with other people))

Recently I had a good giggle in my head because my new acquaintance at the coffee shop triggered some images of me in a primal state. (Brain Beavisafied~heh, heh, primal)  I mean - hell - I am a man... Men like to show off. (Brain~Look at this mother fuckin' ass saber toothed tiger I just killed with nothing but a stick - *flex*) - the things I have to show off - well - every once in a while I produce words out of my mouth that make enough sense to be considered intelligent, I can spin a tale that a percentage of the time a percentage of people might consider humorous, and on occasion if the mood is right and inspiration hits me some small measure of artistic talent emerges (Brain~in the form of poor perspective pencil drawings and ridiculous comics that really only have meaning to you.)  So - yeah - in the immediate sense I don't know why I felt like showing off my bad art. (Brain~*flex* look how big my right hemisphere is - yeah that's right - it's just as big as the left, and I have an over abundance of neurotransmitters.  Let's say we increase our dopamine and tryptophan levels together.)  I suppose it's pretty simple - I did something I thought was cool.

I think the words were, "I feel like showing off." and "I would enjoy it if you showed of to me."  An absolutely brilliant slide show went trough my head of me in these situations:

Wait - Wait - no; that's one's all wrong!

There - that's better.

Quite a range there - huh?  I think this is very telling of me and inductively of other men - that we all contain all of these states of nature. (Brain~well...) {What dude?} (I'm just sayin' you've met some people that didn't quite make it past the second image up there.){Whatever man - shit I need to quit talking to myself.}(Crazy ass.)  What I'm trying to say is that on some level we all have the potential for base, primal actions. And while - due to whatever factors you want to plug here - we may not all be capable of being brilliant (insert dream job here), most of us have the capacity for some measure of artistic, mechanical, physical, or mental ability.

These images imply a whole lot more when you think about them.  The ape implies domination and the want to get and keep territory and property.  The movie version of Tarzan - is like a step up the evolutionary chain.  But rather than dominating his territory he tries to be a steward of it.  Still - beating chests, war cries, showing off balls, swinging through trees, taking hot women into the tree house...  Wesley again is just another step - swinging swords apparently make women at least a little hot - this is a very popular movie.  Conquest - the need to fix, to come to aid.  Also - he was a lover looking for his dear sweet Buttercup.  Scientists like sex too - there are whole branches of science devoted to it, so...  I guess for me this image is a reflection of my need to create - however you want to take that.  So I giggled - because apparently in my nature what it means to show off is to get territory, take really good care of it, scream at intruders, find a hot babe I care about - rescue her - and take her back to my place, where I can create things for her.  

(((Thoughtful pause)))

(-.-) (-.-) (-.-) (-.-) (o.o) (O.O) (o_o)

Sounds about right...

((Brain~Let me interject for just a minute here - may I have the floor?)) Thank you:

It seems obvious to me that showing off is a natural part of social interaction.  We all want to be accepted by our peers and appreciated for (or as) something special - or in some way different than other people.  Even if in the grand scheme of things there are several million bloggers who draw bad art and tell long ass stories with no point - if you come to recognize someone as a peer in some way your instinct is going to be to show them these things.  Kind of like your dog bringing you that chewed up ass ball - it would be a dead rodent if he had access.  Just watch five minutes - fuck that - watch a commercial for Jersey Shore - showing off is their ENTIRE social interaction.  The point being that we have whole subcultures created around showing off - like sports - and these things are so popular and ingrained in our society that a great deal of our cultural and societal resources go into them. What - do you feel like you're above all of that? {dude - not above it - I've just never really thought about myself in that context}  Well - monkey man - you're only a couple hundred generations since one of your ancestors had to resort to head clubbing to get laid {heh - Monty Python} - so feel lucky that your instinct is to create things and tell stories.  Actually - now that you think of it - you're ancestors were probably some of the people that made ceremonial fuck axes pretty well. I'm a brain I'm allowed to be crass.

2012 Holiday Movie Reviews

Warning - I don't spoil anything about the movies, but I will place subconscious things that will pop into your head while you're watching the movie...

I think it's an accidental holiday tradition of mine, at least for the last several years, to go to the movies and eat bad Chinese food.  This year I think I went a bit overboard - on the movies not on the Chinese food thank goodness.  This year I saw 4 films in the theater over the holiday:  Here are some short reviews!

First; Mom, Ron and I went to see The Hobbit.  Ron slept through the first third of the movie.  Couldn't keep his eyes open.  Sounds about right if you have a hard time getting in to the spirit of a movie.  Here's the thing - Peter Jackson has a style.  Guillermo del Toro has a style. J.R.R. Tolkien had a goofy smile.

image link

He also has a pretty recognizable style - I'm just sayin'  we're not seeing anything new here.  The pretty, flashy lights and the loud noises don't impress me any more and honestly the 3D just gives me a headache and doesn't really add to the experience.

I will say this - as far as a movie adaptation goes it seems like they took their time going through the story step by step.  They added back-story in places where it was needed and they left nothing wanting from a book reader going to the movie (thus far).  I mean - they're taking that book and splitting up into three long ass movies.  Think about that - they made three long ass movies for three books for the Lord of the Rings.

(Quick math - 169 minutes per movie x 3 = 507 total minutes.  There are 330 pages in my paperback of the Hobbit.  That's 1.5 minutes of movie time per page. - That's impressive!  LOTR was ~.50 minutes per page)

Then Christmas Eve I really had nothing better to do so I bought a bottle of Merlot and a backup bottle of Pinot, but decided that I would go see one of my all time favorite actors portray one of my all time favorite directors on the big screen rather than catching it on small format. Hitchcock - best movie of the year (mainstream).  Oh Anthony...  Oh  Helen...  What a cast...  Toni Collette, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Beil, Ralph Macchio, Kurtwood Smith, Michael Wincott... Every single person brought exactly what they were supposed to bring to their part in the story.  If you ask me, this is something that Hitchcock tended to bring out in people - but also - this is something that Anthony Hopkins tends to bring out in people he's working with because of his style in acting - because of the way he takes on the roles he accepts - because of the way he embodies the role.  ((There was a movie where I saw Anthony Hopkins say "I just fucking give up" though...))

This is a movie that stood on it's own - a movie for the sake of a movie.  Something that we've forgotten about in the land that is movie.  Storytelling.  Humanism.  The beauty of this film was in watching the people and in watching the script unfold.  All I can think to say is that it was a movie that Hitchcock himself may have enjoyed (after all it was about him).

Have you ever created a mess and you didn't really feel like cleaning it up?  Well - Christmas morning I decided to rearrange my apartment... So first thing in the morning I disassembled my bedroom and moved all of my office stuff into the big bedroom - resulting in this:

:-|  (o.o) - My desk is L shaped from the window on the left edge of the picture all the way to the right edge of the picture  :-o

So - I went to go see Jack Reacher at 12:30

This is pretty much all I have to say about this movie - you have seen this movie - If you want to see a decent movie with Tom Cruise where he plays a character named Jack watch this movie:

CLICK ME TO SEE AWESOMENESS

Tim Curry plays the devil in that movie which is a good qualifier - because - you know - any movie where Tim Curry dresses up in an outlandish outfit is sure to be the shiznit right?

So - yeah - Chinese food...  And the next show for the movie I wanted to see was sold out so I went home and did this:

It may not seem logical for me to put my bedroom in the smaller of the two rooms, but I have a good reason - mainly having to do with my cat's digestive issues waking me up in the middle of the night and me not having much choice as to the location of his litter box.  Also - it might be nice to have a little more leg room in my office when I have people over.

When I was a kid my dad subscribed me to this classic book of the month thing - I got books like - Huck Finn, Wuthering Heights, War and Peace, A Tale of Two Cities, Edgar Allen Poe's Collective works, Les Miserables.  For some reason I seem to remember Jean Valjean being more active in the revolution. Maybe - seeing as how I would have been like 10 or 11 when I got that book, I was really confused - I don't remember it quite right, it's a very distinct possibility.  Because that movie kinda made Jean Valjean look like a self serving, self righteous, cowardly man.  Maybe it's just that I'm older now and I'm seeing the story in a different way and Jean Valjean was always just a backseat driver in the story. I don't know - I need to go back and read the book...

As far as a movie goes - at the end I was sitting in a theater full of crying people who were saying how good it was and I was sitting there going - "Really?"  So I stuck in my seat, pretending to do something on my phone so I could drop some eves on people's conversations - FILTERS - I was surrounded by people who had read the book a hundred times and seen performances in different venues.  They knew which songs were missing from this version, also were missing from the current Broadway version, but not the.....!!!!!!  They WANTED it to be good...  and it looked really really pretty on the big screen.  Plus - major props to the cast - really - bang - up - job!  I personally could have done without seeing Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe - both are pretty damn good actors - but you know - sometimes you like to see lesser known actors in those roles - or at least one of them.

As a movie - I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars.  For me this is a game of would you rather.  This is a film adaptation of a musical that is an adaptation of a book.  There's something in a big screen musical experience - there are plenty of screen adaptations; they work... But would you rather see Les Miserables on a big screen with Russell Crowe showing you Javert (and a telephone in the back of your mind) ~~OR~~ see a live performance unfold in front of you?

Duh - both.

2012 Lessons to take to the end of the world

Trying to be truly nice to people in a world where people expect you to be self serving just makes you look even more self serving in the eyes of people who don't know you.  People who recognize you as truly nice are either the same as you or are willing to take advantage of you.  The best way to be truly nice is to also protect your self interests.

Look a girl in the eyes, analyze everything you can about her genetics, figure out everything you can from what kind of shoes she wears, subtly drop hints that you like her (on Facebook or your blog or whatever) with no real indication that it's her you're talking about, then ignore and avoid her for a couple months. ~~ OR ~~  Have a couple conversations with her, feel out the vibe since you're such a fucking people genius and take a goddamn chance by asking her to hang out; the worst that will happen is that you make a new friend. ((Ever feel like it's too late for some things?))

Driving fast in a bad ass car is way better than sex with a selfish person.  Breaking your personal best time on the road you learned to drive on is way more satisfying than breaking your 'number of orgasms in a row' record with that person too.

Screaming into a pillow is like withholding ejaculation - a squeezing orgasm without the real release that you get from letting it fly out.  It lets you hold out for for longer, lets you keep going, lets you stay in rhythm without screwing it up for everyone else, but in the end you never get to let go - you never get to have a real orgasm.

Don't let things get too far.  Even the most patient and understanding person in the world feels resentment, pain, sorrow, sadness.  If you know it's over - fucking end it.

Don't let your emotions control your decisions about your emotions.  People can get hurt when you do that, especially when pain is driving your decisions about love.

Trying to deny who you are is like telling a mountain it can't be where it is anymore.  If you don't know who you are - it takes other people to help shine a light, it's damn near impossible for you to figure it out on your own.  This can be painful - very painful.  If you make new friends you will probably lose some of them, maybe all of them.  If you have old friends, be careful - remember not all of them know who you are either - stick with the ones who are willing to take this journey with you.  You will recognize them when you change something and they stick around.

People who can't ever realize they're wrong are basically useless to you and can be extremely dangerous.  If you figure out you're dealing with someone like that I suggest you completely filter them from your life. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

If you look someone in the eyes a hundred times and they don't see you it's because you don't want to be seen - whether you realize that or not, it's the truth.

Most baristas are cool ass people.  They tend to also be artists, actors, philosophers, students of various disciplines, musicians...  As well as good listeners, good conversationalists, good dressers, fun people to party with, good people to drink with - they also generally make good coffee.  I have also found that most of these things often apply to bartenders, servers, and folks who work in kitchens.

I wish I could say that people will surprise you.  On a whole I can't bring myself to say that.  There really isn't that much genetic variation in our species.  It's surprisingly not all that hard to see how certain cultural stimuli will affect people in general. With a basic understanding of sociology, psychology, neurology, biochemistry, cultural anthropology, and body language people will rarely do things that confuse you.  None of that is an effective replacement for good intuition.

Trust your gut - I can't emphasize that enough.  That comes with a caveat...try and recognize if your gut is dumber than your brain - then always always check your gut.  Unfortunately you have to fuck up a lot before you can learn which path is right for you.

Averages work like this:  There's a number somewhere in the middle.  There're quite a few numbers higher than that number trying to pull that number up and a quite a few numbers lower trying to drag that number down.  The average IQ in the US is ~100.  There are quite a few people with IQs like 180, 200, 145 etc (way bigger than 100) pulling that number up. Think about how many numbers there have to be less than 100 pulling that number down.  Fortunately, on average, we are getting smarter...What I learned?  After meeting a couple people that tested higher than I did on an IQ test, either we took different tests or IQ tests are wrong.  I'm leaning toward the tests being wrong seeing as how they test visual acuity but not auditory acuity, intuition, or existential intelligence.  Which would probably make me a fucking super genius on paper.

Take chances...

Accept people for who they are. That doesn't mean you have to like them - or be near them.

Accept that you're probably not going to change the whole world - but never stop affecting the people around you.

Play...

Laugh and smile as often as possible even if you don't feel like it.

Try your best to take your own advise...  <-- especially that one.

From their perspective

I hear and see things all the time that make me want to tell stories from my own life.  So here we go again!

It's probably no surprise to anyone that I've taken a few classes in folk studies and cultural anthropology.  One of my favorite professors taught the first course I took in this field - Barry - what a dude...  He was teaching (or arguing) American Culture at the Glasgow campus of Western Kentucky University.  I asked him once why he was teaching there; his response was something like - "...this is the front-line of the battleground of ignorance."  That and they happened to be hiring in his field.  Anyhow - that's the guy that was teaching this course, young, ready to enlighten, ready to fight the good fight, and ready to kick ass when fallacy and ignorance stood in the way.   Did I mention that he was teaching in Glasgow?  Did I also mention that I was in his class?  Barry - dude - you may have been thrown a couple of curve balls... I have a dozen or so stories about Barry - this one is more about me and a lady in this class...

Barry decided to try out a movie on us to see if we could have an active conversation about it without killing each other. (whatever - bring out the maces.)  The question was simple enough.  Your children's school wants to show a movie about different kinds of families.  Including, mixed race, single parent, divorced, grandparent, lbgt, nuclear, blue, transparent, etc.  Do you sign the permission slip to allow your child to watch this movie; why or why not?  Alright - cool...  So we watched the movie...

Go ahead - I'll wait.  (waiting music)

I could tell by the way Barry's wheel's were turnin' that he had a plan for this discussion...  I was sitting WAAAAY over here and he told the dude WAAAAY over there to start the conversation - one at a time - each of us had a turn to speak, without interruption...  Almost the entire class got to speak before me - including - her - but we'll get there...  Oh I felt so sorry for that first dude that spoke and I could tell that Barry did too...  He did so well and said his point so nicely, but like half of the class took it exactly the wrong way.  What he said was this:

I can see how a lot of people would watch this and have a problem with it because of all the gay couples.  I personally don't have a problem with any of it and would not have any problem with my kids watching it at all.

Remember the phone game?  The very next person, sitting right behind him said this:  I agree with him! We shouldn't be showing our kids all those gay couples.

I promise - before the first guy could even finish inhaling to defend himself - the next person was taking up 'his cause' - I agree with him too!  (he just put his head down)

I really wish the split had been 50/50... Remember - this was a class in Glasgow.  It was probably closer to 70/30 and the relevant issue of the video was absolutely - completely - gay couples raising children...  I just smiled and gathered ammunition for the impending logic bitch-smack I was fueling up.  One after another people said, "No - gay people shouldn't have kids", or "Yes - I'm okay with everything because my family rocks."  And then...  AND THEN...  I think Barry had had a conversation with this lady before - he HAD to know this was going to happen - he HAD to know something about her - because - he... well... just wait a sec...

I remember her well... middle aged, fake blonde, dark roots, bad tan, smoked, the kind of lady you would expect to see outside of a hair salon smoking and talking gossip.  This lady was steaming...  She said something to the effect of - That movie's just garbage...  She said she wouldn't want anyone's child to see it.  Barry was great - she rambled - but Barry wouldn't let it go.  He wanted HER - HER IN PARTICULAR to get her point out.  He said - "Why?"   - oh she squirmed...  I sat straight up in my seat and smiled bigger than life.  I knew what he was doing and I LOVED it.  She said - that EVERYTHING in that movie was wrong - that gay people should not be shown in that way, that children should not be allowed to see it. - and she just sat back - and crossed her arms - 

Barry:  "Yeah, but...Why?"

Lady: "My son is a Baptist preacher ~something something~... (Jason's brain - oh hell yeah)  Because it's against the Bible and gay people are going to burn in Hell - that's why!"

I kid you the fuck not - I could not control myself - I laughed out loud like "HA" and SLAMMED my fist on my desk at the same time.  Barry got this cocky smiley look on his face like, "that's good enough for me..." - "okay then - moving on."  The next person was like:  "uh, yeah whatever - I'd show em' - I wanna hear what he has to say."  The split stayed like I said before, most people were pretty indifferent to the conversation up to this point, but now they were just trying to get to me - and I was stocking up on shit to say and trying not to forget all the stuff I had stocked up from before.  BUT MAN I WAS SMOKING RED HOT!

But first - we came to this awesome lady - who, thank goodness, threw some cool water on the fire before it got to me.  She turned around and stared that other lady right in the eyes and said - "Jesus loves all people, it doesn't matter who you are. Judge not lest ye' be judged."  Then she turned and looked at me - I imagine that when I take up a cause people assume that I'm, you know whatever that thing is - I'm pretty sure everyone there thought I was gay, just like my health teacher thought I was a Jew because I called him a dick for saying he would kick Jewish people off a football team for not praying to Jesus at pregame.  Anyway - she looked at me and nodded in approval - like - 'there you go honey, now you can have at her.'

I want to put the right voice in your head...  The vocal pitch of  Seth Rogan, with the intonation and accent of Kelsey Grammer, and the shakiness of Barney Fife...  (Cause I was sort of pissed and nervous, but wanted to sound smart)

"First of all...", I said - really trying and failing to sound calm. "50 years ago we wouldn't even be talking about this issue.  50 years ago we would have been arguing about all the mixed race couples on the screen."  I welcomed the resounding ...oooh yeah's... from around the room.  I think I made my point that 50 years from now we won't be thinking about gay couples - it won't even be a thing.  I used this time talking to calm myself enough that when I focused my attention on her I didn't just blow up and call her an ignorant fucking bitch. (I honestly don't feel that way - people feel the way they feel - impulse though...)  I said - "Now..." and I turned to look at her. She looked at me with smug and righteous eyes... "Jesus was an amazing person." - I heard a couple of "mhm's" - I tried to make the point that Jesus was not the kind of person who would care if someone was gay. (like - um - I forgive you for crucifying me - wait hold on a sec - do you like penises?)  I also tried to show that the entire point in Jesus existence was to forgive and move past the old ways - and move on toward the future.  A person's relationship with God is their own and no one else's. - "And oh yeah - I would totally show that movie to my kids."

Oh - it was anti climactic!  I never said it was an exciting story...  What; did you think I was going to cause a riot or something?  Nope!  This is one of those thought provoking, argument starting, open ended stories! Sorry!

Side note: Don't kid yourself into thinking you know my spiritual or religious beliefs - we haven't gone there yet...  Hit me up on Facebook if you want to start up a conversation!

That one dude you saw that one time.

Telling someone you've known for 2 years that they have not, until recently, recognized your face...that's a strange thing.  It's like "50 First Dates" when Drew Barrymore woke up every day not remembering the day before, accept in reverse - where people around me tend not to notice or remember me.  I'm working on the theory that I have a pheromone that wipes me from people's short term memory.

I'm a pretty habitual person, or rather I'm the kind of person who when I find a place that I like I'll keep going back there fairly regularly. I've mentioned before that I've been going to the same coffee shop for around 2 years and none of the baristas have remembered me.  There are a couple of baristas who have been there the entire time I've been going there, one in particular (Elizabeth) I've seen there maybe a hundred times and each time it's like the first.  There was no look of familiarity or recognition in her eyes for almost two years.

The same thing happens at the Chinese restaurant I've been going to for around 2 years once every couple of weeks or so. I order pretty much the same thing I've always ordered every time I go in there.  It takes about 10 minutes for them to put the order together, so I go to the Kroger next door and grab a couple of things while I'm there.  When I go to pick up my food, unless they are not busy, the (same) girl behind the counter will look at me and ask what she can get for me.  Sometimes she just struggles to remember what I ordered, and will ask did you order - this? - No, I ordered - that...  I always ask for 2 sets of chopsticks and soy sauce.  It's like a non-remembrance dance and I've learned all of the moves like the back of my hand.

I wrote an article before about people not noticing my presence. So I won't re-write all of that. There are two other coffee shops that I've frequented for the last couple of years and so far (until recently) only one person has remembered me.  I feel like I have to pry my way into people's memories.  I know that I'm a quiet person, I'm unremarkable, I don't really try to stand out...  Fine...  Still you would think that more than one person out of the group would  recall me in some way.  I order the same things every time, I'm a good tipper, I'm polite.  Somewhere sometime someone is sure to recall me.

One barista did after about 3 months or so of me going to the coffee shop in the cafeteria at work and ordering the same thing almost every day.  It was nice to have someone know what I was going to order or just recall my face.  That was an interesting phenomenon because to my knowledge I didn't do anything different - it was just long term repetition that made me stick around in her memory.  Maybe one day I went down there twice and so her memory from the previous occurrence moved from short term to long term memory.  Maybe the pheromone has a time limit depending on a particular person's spacial memory and how their individual short-term to long-term memory process works.  I'm not convinced that she remembers me asking her to hang out - I mentioned it one day during a conversation; she seemed confused and uncomfortable.  Her co-worker?  I bet (after close to a year) probably still doesn't remember me too well, her and I had a discomfort match about whether an iced tea refill costs $1.00 or $1.17, though she (herself) always charged me a dollar for it until that day.

One day I went to my favorite 'project work' hang out - the coffee shop.  Where I have been going a couple times a week for about 2 years... and there it was... my favorite barista (because her lattes are the best) recalled my face.  This is another interesting story.  I've been coming here for so long that I have memorized her timing for making the two drinks I always order - I followed her timing by listening to her process for making the drinks.  When she taps the steaming pitcher on the counter it's like dinner bell.  That means she's about to start pouring the milk into the cup and I should come over and grab my drink. I had been coming in more frequently because of this blog, my story series, my mom's website, and another project I'm working on.  4 times in a row of me walking up to the counter just as she's pouring the milk she commented - almost the exact same sentence - "Wow, look at you! You have amazing timing."  Then one day, she looked at me, cocked her eyebrow, tilted her head and said, "I like you in red, it looks good."

huh?  what?  I'm sure the look on my face could have been taken any number of ways, but it was utter confusion. - "Thanks?"  After that I think she started noticing how often I come in and I think it freaked her out a little bit. Like - one day she mentions my shirt and all of a sudden I'm coming in all the time. (Looking at it from her perspective.) ~~call it a feeling~~  Something else of note is that her and I have had conversations in the past and yet the next time I would come in - no recollection. Example: She wears a silver sparrow necklace on a long chain.  My then girlfriend has one just like it. So - I said, "I like your necklace.  My girlfriend has one just like it." - "Oh, thanks! Does she like sparrows?" - "Yeah, she has a sparrow tattoo and a couple pieces of jewelry with sparrows.  I think she likes them so much because her last name sounds like sparrow." etc.  A week later - nada...  So, for me to all of a sudden stick in her memory - that's just plain weird.  Even more weird is that once she started recalling my face - so did her coworkers.  And they started remembering what I order.

So today, nervously, I decided to tell her about the phenomenon and my theory about the pheromone.  Astonishment is probably the best word I can come up with for her reaction.  I told her about the pheromone thing first - then said that I could probably convince her of it - and then told her that I've been coming to the coffee shop for about 2 years on a fairly regular basis.  "That just doesn't seem possible."  We worked out that she remembers me coming in for about 4 weeks or so.  And - she felt bad (damn it) for not remembering me.  She said that I'm a regular and I deserve that recognition.  So I told her - to let her know it's not her fault - about the Chinese restaurant, and about the dance club where people kept running in to me.  "Someone should do a study." :)

Lots of questions here...  What is it about me that makes people not remember me?  My look?  My attitude?  A pheromone?  What changed?  Was it that one thing - the timing thing?  Have I changed my look and attitude enough recently that people have started to notice and remember me?  It seems almost impossible to figure out.  I can't ask anyone - hey what's different about me from before (you not remembering me) to now (you remembering me).  That's like asking someone about that time they saw that thing at that place - you know, that thing...

I guess it does bother me.  I like to say that it doesn't because it happens everywhere I go, but I'm sitting here thinking about it - a lot...  If it were just a couple of people I would understand.  It just happens so much.  I can't blame other people for this. Like I said - if it was just a couple, then maybe.  It has to be something about me.  Unless I reach out and make myself stick, it doesn't happen - or I guess until recently.  Now I'm left with a chicken/egg problem.  I don't try to get people to remember me because it seems futile, so do people not remember me because I don't try?  2 years ~ all the people...  I don't know.

Remember the van and the wasps?

A lot of families can say that they are "tight."  A lot of families can say, "we've been through some shit together."  A lot of families can say, "we've been to Hell and back together."  I can definitely say that my family is weird.  We are tight, because we have been though some serious shit together.  We actually laugh about Hell when we get together.  That doesn't stop us from getting angry at each other.  That doesn't stop us from getting stressed out.  I can look at my mom - and then look at my sister - and know - these are two people who, like me, know what it's like to have life throw shit in your face.

We didn't say "Happy Thanksgiving" the entire time we were together this week.  We hugged - tightly - and said - "damn, it's so good to see you."  We all thought about the stressful shit that we were bickering about, but we didn't bring it up.  We all were feeling the stress of the recent crap that's been going on in our lives, but we tried our damnedest to keep it bottled.  Though I think I failed at this, as I wasn't feeling too happy shiny.  I feel sorry for being stressed out.  It's not the attitude I've been trying to have and it's not how I wanted to treat my family.  I don't get to see them enough to spend my time with them feeling like crap.

We did have fun though.  I don't get to talk to many people the way I get to talk to my mom, my sister, and my brother in law.  They are more open minded than your average bunch, and when I say something - for the most part - I'm pretty sure they're going to understand it.  Of course we don't get into deep conversations about particle physics or spacial 4 dimensional perspective shifts (though that almost happened).  We talk about global social issues, history, philosophy, the human condition, my sister's unending stubbornness toward people in general, my unending will to put other people's needs ahead of my own, culture, politics, etc.  I love it.  Every second of it.  Even the parts that piss us all off because sometimes we are so much the same that we are so incredibly different and we bump heads.

I can't tell the whole story of my family yet - not today.  Just know that we don't fall into a category.  Chris Titus said it best when he said that the difference between 'normal' people and people who have been through some shit is that when shit is about to hit the fan... people who have been hit by the shit before know - to move the FUCK out of the way.  This is my family.  We are a group of hyper perceptive, stubborn ass, open minded, talkative, story telling, ~probably~ crazy people.  You can't get away with much around us :P we've seen it all - done most of it.  We love the hell out of each other.  We've seen what it's like to be at the bottom of the barrel together.  We've come back from some seriously fucked up shit together.

I love you guys.
Uncle Bubba

Or like a good hug

I can't really call Glasgow my home town.  I can't say with a definitive tone that I really have a home town.  I have no real roots accept in my family.  There's this area - Barren County, Metcalfe County, Monroe County, Cumberland County, Warren County - I guess if I have to say I'm from a place then this would be it.  So when I say I'm going home to visit my family, you can google map Glasgow Kentucky and zoom out just a bit and see where I'm talking about.  Every time I come here I feel like I've passed into the mother fucking twilight zone through revolving doors with murals of hell imprinted on the panes of glass.

But then I get back to Louisville...  Is this home?  Do I belong here?

Image Link

Is this what Louisville is?

Today I saw a friend who I have not seen since I shook his hand at my high school graduation.  The father of my childhood crushes, Randy.  He talked about traveling on his bike all across the country with all it's beauty but then, he says, no place is as beautiful as Kentucky. There's something about it that tells you that you are home.  My Mom agreed.  As did my sister and her husband.  They went on about how they can just ~tell~ when they pass into Kentucky that they are home.  Being the way I am - I could tell what they were feeling...  I could tell what they were talking about, but I have not - not a single once - in my life felt that way.  And just like right now as I'm typing this - I almost cried...

As I leave this place tonight or tomorrow, I will feel less and less like I'm being tightly packed into a box...  As I get closer and closer to Louisville and to my apartment I will get less and less of a feeling that I want to scream and run as fast as I can away from this place.  As I breach that county line and my eyes finally gaze upon that glorious sign that says - Louisville Metro - I will exhale and I will feel less stressed.  The first thing I will do when I get home - is turn on my Xbox and find some noise to drown out some of my thoughts (the same thing I do every day).  I might finish cleaning my apartment and then run off to a coffee shop to do some solitary work.  What won't happen... I won't feel like I've been wrapped in a warm blanket fresh from the drier.  I won't be reminded 'why I come back'.  I won't have anyone or anything waiting for me.

I'm not in the mood to argue with you - so - I know that I have friends, a job, and an apartment (albeit fuck-that-place)...  I love my friends.  I have a good job.  Fuck my apartment really.  You know the other stuff though?  Everything that you think about...and do...and love...and care about or care for...  It's funny - and so far no one has really understood this - but I don't know how to do that (not for myself)...  That's why I write. (so that I can do it for my characters and then whine about it?)

I'm in one of those moods where this is going to take a thousand routes and end up a stream of consciousness into endlessness...  This already went in a way different direction than I intended.  I will wrap up by saying this.  I've never felt more comfortable in a place than I do in Louisville, but everywhere I go I feel alone - ghostly - like a fixture...  Time for flows...

Where's the one with the vibrating option?

It's time to offer an interesting perspective to human reproduction and male/female gender roles that developed from listening to an interview with some really smart woman whose name I really wish I could remember so that I could cite the holy hell out of her research.  The basic premise of the perspective is that in modern society ~ men have become basically useless.  We just haven't realized it yet.  Also, with the thus far patriarchal nature of our society men have not been able to see past our own false sense of superiority to realize that we are basically nothing.

Think about human society 150,000 years ago and think about what men's roles in that society were.  They were the protectors, the hunters, the lifters, the leaders, the human shields against the raw brutal world for the women and children so that the species could propagate.  That's how men grew up and that's how their brains are wired.  Men naturally, instinctively want to do those things and when they get back from conquests ~ they want to put their seed inside the ladies in order to keep the cycle going.  Women's roles were different of course.  They are a temple of propagation - the house of life.  Their bodies are designed to create and care for new life.  They gathered, cooked, skinned, cured, cared, taught, healed, gave birth.  They also spent a lot of time building society from behind the scenes when you think about it, because when men were out hunting and fighting ~ women were back at home keeping the house straight. (History was recorded by men remember?  We will never know for sure...)

Now think about society today and Men's roles today.  As a man... I have no reason to go out and kill anything...ever...  The only enemies that we have in the world - are only there because men really seem to like to piss off other men and send more men to kill and die for them. Again...I have no reason to do any of this - accept that I have no problem with killing people who kill lots of people for bullshit reasons. (I really am a man...)  10 years ago a woman could justify having me in her life purely for the reason of opening jars and getting stuff off the top shelf, but even that has been replaced with technology.

http://www.bookofjoe.com/images/2007/09/29/1hjkhjg.jpg

Not all that long ago women weren't well educated, couldn't vote, couldn't be leaders in society.  They didn't work and if they did it was crap work for low wages.  Aside from a very few select women in a few families and a couple of revolutionaries - before the 20th century women were pretty much just shit on.  Today, we're still not perfect, but here's my point.  If every single man in the world got sick right now...  Women are ready to step the fuck up and they would probably do a much better job at it then men do.  I say they would do better because the face of politics wouldn't have all the "my balls are bigger than your balls" shit mixed in.

Where's that leave me as a man?  What's my role here?  I really don't matter to society any more.  Women are just as smart as me now. They can have all the same roles as me now.  What do I really offer?

I'm a dildo...  Yup...  I'm a live action - animatronic - dildo - that shoots reproductive juice - ONLY if she decides she wants it.  Women have complete control.  They are the keepers of MOST of what it takes to unlock the creation of life and men have a pocket full of keys and we're just trying to shove them into that lock.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/86/Sperm-egg.jpg

She doesn't need me for creative, constructive, interesting conversation - she has girlfriends for that.  She doesn't need me to get food.  She in no way needs me to survive, entertain, or to live.  Unless she's just bored and feels like playing with the little man puppet.  "Come here little man puppet - try and put your reproductive juice in me.  Do tricks! Dance little man puppet! No you can't put that in me, or if you do cover it with this first." -- "But...But...Propagation...Conquer...roar?"

Now, I realize that relationships exist and they exist for a reason - several reasons.  I'm sure I'll write an article to that effect sometime soon.  But think about it...  In general - soon - men could basically just be hooked up to some machines and plucked down whenever women want one that suits their needs. Women have 99% of the circle of life and in society today the average man is just running around trying to complete the circle.

**new pickup line**  "Hey baby - can I complete your circle?"

Like the hole in your ceiling you don't notice any more.

I really am a ghost.  I blend into the scenery like a fixture to the environment.  I've actually seen people have a reaction to my presence that resembles ~not realizing that pole was there the whole time.  It's a great relief when I see someone from my past and they remember me; especially when I haven't seen them for a really long time.  I thought this was all in my head - that this was my insecurity screwing with my hyperactive observations of people doing things that everyone else doesn't notice ~ but ~ these things don't happen to other people.

I'm a big guy...  I'm 6'1".  I have a naturally wide stature, and I'm stocky to boot.  In the last year I've gone from 330lbs to 265lbs - still - not a small guy.  In a room chuck full of random people (like a club) I'm probably going to be one of the biggest people.  This is a prelude to a little known fact among my friends - I love to dance.  I may not be awesome at it, but I can move pretty well and I keep rhythm like a boss. (One trick is finding the right balance of tequila with the right kind of music ~ if you are interested in seeing this phenomenon.)

So picture a taller Seth Rogan when he was stocky ~ liquid dancing and pop-n-lock dancing in the back of a crowd of people. (That's exactly it!)  The first time someone walked by and ran into me I didn't really think anything of it.  The second time  I just brushed my shoulders of it.  The third time I thought that I might be standing in the middle of a walk way, so I turned to look, and I was the tip of a person peninsula with a radius of open space around me about 15 to 20 feet where people could walk and NOT run in to me.  I mean come on!  I have the presence of a fucking brick wall!  These ass holes who are running into me are a fourth my size!  I could seemingly pick them up and toss them like a tiny little caber.  Then person number four runs into me.  Then five.  six... seven... eight.... nine... ten...  Thank goodness it was my birthday - and I had had a lot of tequila.  Every time I checked - LOTS of room to not run into the dancing brick wall.  So then...

One of the security guards for the club ran in to me.  Oh man I was really drunk... (forgot to mention I moved after person 4 almost knocked me over and it kept happening)  Something about the fact that he was a security guard pissed me off - so I started following him around...and dancing...behind him...while he worked.  This went on for quite some time - he never noticed...  Really?  I'm so invisible that the SECURITY GUARD didn't notice me following him around and dancing behind him...  wow... (This dude was a beast too)

http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsR/56893.gif

~mad respect~ if you know who this guy is!

"Whatever Jason - you're just weird and over think everything."  Fine - sure...  So - I decided to test this on an occasion when I was by myself and I got some really fucked up results and reactions.  I went to a dance club - now given - these are potentially drunk people... still...  I went to a spot where I was out of the way and stood about 6 feet away from an object - to my left (it was a barrel). To my right there was about 30 feet of open space - no people AT ALL.  Bump (left side) - (at least I got a 'my bad dude' and a pat on the shoulder. - dude was not drunk) - bump 2 (left side) 3 - left...  So - I halved the distance between me and the barrel.  bump - yup - left side... one more of those and I halved the distance again.  And a dude fucking SQUEEZED between me and barrel to get by! - So I went and leaned on the barrel. bump...  Then - I look in front of me at this girl who was dancing - she looked behind and noticed me.  I smiled and I don't know, I kind of expected a smile back... And she got this "Did that wall just smile at me?" look - like confusion...  So...  I went and got a beer... and I found a pole in the back of the room... and I just leaned against it to listen to the music and think. bump... Are you fucking kidding me?  I looked at this dude - like - really?  He looked at me like - "HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE A HUMAN!"  Really - his eyes got HUGE like there was NO way that I was there a second ago and BOOM he just fucking ran in to me and I appeared out of thin air.

See - I would think that it was all in my head if like - the baristas from this coffee shop that I've been coming to for the last 2 years recognized me - not remember me - just recognize me - when I come in...

Flooble - Flooble?

So, this Encounters thing has been quite a trip so far.  I've tried to apply some of the feedback I've gotten from the good folks who have been good enough to offer it up - or whom I have bugged the shit out of (sorry).  I'm sure my friends and acquaintances who read it have noticed that I borrow from my personal life quite a bit in order to develop the characters.  It's actually an interesting process that I wanted to talk about a little bit and I will, but I wanted to clear some stuff up before I get in trouble with anyone or before anyone takes anything the wrong way.

First - Marie isn't anyone I know in real life. PERIOD.  If you notice similarity to someone you know - sorry... If you put some kind of connection to someone I know to Marie ~ well ~ Marie's personality is based on like 4 people I know (we'll get there later)

The same goes for Matt...

Not Allie - she came from a dream.

Which brings us to Alex - that's a hard one - because Alex is my inner monologue. He's the result of this blog and all the stuff that I've been trying to do with myself  for the past year and a half or so.  I know anyone reading him still sees him as an introverted locked up little puppy dog, but hey - we're just getting started...

Now - I did notice that I included a cameo of someone from my real life in the story that hasn't gotten any description or notice yet.  There are probably like 2 people who know who I'm talking about and by the time that character comes back around - well - let's just say her and the person who sparked the idea are not the same person they just happen to have the same job. (Also possible that Alex had a crush on Heather as well - sigh) yay vagueness!

Some quick notes on character development and then I have to go!  I have, because of the way my brain works, running personality profiles of pretty much every person I have ever known running around in my head.  Rather than basing the characters in my story on a particular person - I took aspects of several people from my present and past who were inspirational to me in some way and developed them into a singular person.  I have Marie's personality profile written up on a piece of paper - right down to some of her psychological issues (not the roots of those issues of course).  I plan to publish the profiles of all the main characters somewhere once I have developed them enough that I feel comfortable doing so.

Peace!

WYSIWYG

Now I'm confused...  Okay - so - yeah, I'm guilty of taking things that are simple and straight forward and making them complicated.  No one will ever accuse me of thinking too little.  At least I know why I do it.  I like complicated things.  Also - this whole concept of 'thinking outside of the box' - I have trouble seeing the box - I mean I think without barriers...  It's a struggle for me sometimes.  When people ask questions that have obvious answers or when something is staring me right in the face - I have trouble seeing those things.  I  actually think I look stupid sometimes when someone intelligent asks me a question - I go on a brain trip trying to answer the question, but then when they tell me the answer it's like - "oh - duh. Why'd you even ask that question?"  Of course I feel like a jackass, because I didn't look at the ground level first.  I went straight for the complex answers.

So - yeah - confused... Usually when I can't figure something out it's either because I need to do a bunch of research, simply because I don't know enough about the subject matter. Like astronomy, I really don't know a whole lot about that... (Sounds weird coming from this guy right? - Astrophysics is another matter) Or because the answer is so simple that I'm overlooking it.  That's probably the case here.  For example - if a girl liked me she would probably have to come right out and tell me.  I've already spent a couple hundred brain hours trying to figure it out - me and the brain - we're getting nowhere fast...  Oh - I've analyzed the situation to death, I promise you that.  I've noticed little things and come up with what I'm sure is every possible reason for those occurrences.  Consulted and consorted, come up with the best plan of action - decided that the best plan of action will get me nowhere based on personality traits...  and - you know - ended up right back where I started...

Crazy confused bastard.  I don't mind waiting - I'm infinitely patient.  What I don't like is not knowing, or really not being in the game enough to be able to tell.

And then I'm struck by a beauty and presence so powerful that in that moment I forget all past beauties.  My mind is clear, my future seems certain.  I look into those eyes, hear that laugh, absorb myself into her.  Desire, lust, passion, fusion...  Her smell is intoxicating...  Her touch is soothing...  Her voice is hypnotizing...

Of course - reality sets in quickly and I get smacked right back down to earth.  Dude...

It's too late to apologyze

I'm a writer - or at least I've been pretending to be one for a while now.  These projects have helped me out quite a bit on a personal level and I have enjoyed the journey up to this point.  The theme of CCC lately has been - Jason's attempt to overcome his crippling social awkwardness using his observational skills then dumping his weird ass thoughts onto his blog...  Yeah - well - this has left me with an ethical dilemma...

Situation:  Hi pretty lady - you're awesome!  Whoa deja vu!  ~brain~  When we put this on the blog let's make that sound as interesting as possible!  You know - you're writing about awkward love stories and shit on your other blog - people are eating that up - so spice it up dude!

Fucking brain... Don't know why I ever listen to that ass hole...

My ethical code is violated here...  I didn't take into consideration that I might be harming another person by writing things that might be taken out of context as - well fucked up - especially since it was doctored.  I took that shit down.

So yeah - there we go - brush your shoulders off...  Hope that the blow back stops at someone out there in the world thinking I'm a strange ass dude <~ whoa what?  And start taking the advice of last night's fortune cookie - "Say more - talk less"

Fever

http://www.math.cornell.edu/~mec/2008-2009/HoHonLeung/Torus.png

I feel like death today... I was up half the night having fever hallucinations again.  I have had the same hallucination when I get sick ever since I was a kid.  I feel like my head is accelerating to near light speed on some path, it's a curved path along the inside edge of an elongated torus shape.  The feeling of accelerating to those speeds evokes the feeling of a texture.  Not that I can feel the texture so much as the energy in my mind becomes the texture.  It's a strange texture.  Like a really tough rubber container filled with sand.  Kind of like those 'stretch Armstrong' dudes.  Accept I can feel roughness along the edge of the torus as I accelerate along the edge, like noise in the stream.  This is the first time since I was a kid that I've been able to describe this experience with any detail.  Sometimes when the fever is really bad I can see the torus, and see the bumps on the edge.  I have some ideas as to what it is, but my mind man...what a place.

http://evankeane.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/world_line.png

Jason's X Factor...

Today I am sitting here again; this time I am listening to neurologists, psychologists, and leaders in business human resources tell me how much I'm exactly like everyone else in the world.  Sings **  My brain...da de da... is like your brain ... da de da..  is like his brain.. da de da... is like her brain... da de da **

http://www.neuroleadership.org

http://www.sfn.org/am2012/

This all happened in time with a new acquaintance of mine posting her results from a particular website on her Facebook wall:

http://www.howmanyofme.com/

She smiled as she commented that she is one of a kind.  My intention in saying that she didn't need a website to tell her that was merely subtle flirting - but - "...Jason, while the sentiment is sweet, the fact is that nobody's special or unique, and the harder they try to be "different/original," the more they're going to end up like someone else."

Darn it...  Here I am deep in the midst of my own sociological experiment, listening to neurological research, analyzing people and looking for patterns across individuals, trying to prove in my own mind that a person can be rolled up into a package of preset patterns created by physiological, psychological, sociological and cultural criteria.  And still - when she said that - something inside me says that she is still unique...  Maybe I have a weakness for beautiful, intelligent women... (nah - that can't be it)

It all goes back to that question that came up when I was a kid. - sheesh - This isn't the kind of shit a 5 year old should be thinking about.  I said to myself, "Why do I see through my eyes?"  That's a 5 year old Jason's version of asking what makes me - me.  That's a hardcore question that I have been working on pretty much my whole life.  I guess now it's added on a new layer - if I can be rolled up in to an equation like I think I can - a predictable pattern of behaviors and other nuances - is there something else in there that sets me apart from everybody else?  I suppose the religious folks would say, "duh - your soul."  I had another brief conversation with the coffee shop girl this morning which triggered a thought - it's just - an x factor.  Something that I will attempt to define here in some small way and then probably for the rest of my life.

When you observe behavior you are observing it through the same filters that you are placing the behavior in.  I have my own cultural, sociological, and psychological filters that are nearly impossible to turn off without some preset singular thing that I'm trying to observe. (not to mention my bad eye sight, messed up ear, headaches...)  I walk into situations and try to analyze an entire person based on what they are wearing, what color their hair and eyes are, how proportionate their face is,  their body type, any 'different' things about them; then later their voice, their tone, their accent, their language, their name; and eventually their history, their family, their feelings, their emotions, their opinions, their wants, their needs...  All the while I'm trying to make guesses at one from the other - do your shoes and hat tell me what kind of person you are?  Maybe... Does the fact that your facial expression changes when I mention my mom tell me something - yeah...  Do the subtle changes in your behavior as you get to know me mean anything - of course they do...

From my perspective it seems nearly impossible to appear objective when saying that I can observe you as a person and understand you as a unique individual while indeed it seems like I'm trying to prove that you're not.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we get down to it - we are a complex set of non-complex things put together in a complex system that can be explained in non-complex ways if you want to take the time to weed through the complexity of it all in an objective way.  I love the fact that fields like "Cultural Neurology" and "Social Psychology" have sprung up... it speaks a lot for our scientific society that they are embracing cultural relativism and branching out. (tangent)

I think maybe my particular set of experiences is unique to me and therefore cannot be explained or observed externally.  That blue bird flew in my path while I was walking from the house to the field when I was 10 that made me have deja vu.  I started to consider what deja vu is which eventually lead me to have the thought that if I concentrated hard enough I can place my consciousness in my body at any point in my own past.  This was further ratified when I recalled the name of a person I had absolutely never seen before (it was Tonya Harding the first time she competed in the Olympics) - blew my mind (though I'm sure I read it briefly as the TV came on -- right?) Anyway - this type of thought is what got me interested in meta-physical concepts and eventually sparked and interest in Physics once I learned about Stephen Hawking. (Why the hell was I thinking about meta-physics when I was 10? -- oh wait - oh yeah - goats...heh)  Combine that with all the Philosophy and Sociology that Dad pummeled into my brain and you get the core of where I came up with the idea for what I want to do with my life (it's a secret)...  Right there's a piece of me that if there is someone that can claim the same thing - then - holy shit...  I'm not saying my idea(s) are original - I'm saying that my experiences - the nuances of my experiences - are unique to me and cannot be observed - therefore though I may seem to me integrated - or the same as someone else it's that which sets me apart. There's one side of the x factor...

One of my professors once said "You are who you think other people think you are."  Sorry - I am choosing to redefine that...  "Externally (socially, culturally) - you are who you think other people think you are..."

Peace...

Am I really?

My attempt to come off as the cool, intelligent guy has resulted in a rating of "harmless."  She didn't mean it like - docile - but still...  So I've been sitting on a project for a month or so that shows a different side of Jason.  One that is normally reserved for the special few that have made it into the depths of my lustful embraces.  Please like my Facebook page and never stop reading!

http://mindsexexp.blogspot.com/2012/09/watchers-encounter-pt-1.html

http://www.facebook.com/mindEncounters

Is it possible to make love in a sweater?

One of the first cold nights of the year.  Perfect...  She'll come out soon, I'd better get things ready.  Vanilla candles on the book shelf - lit.  Dim the lights...  The pillows on the couch should be just right.  Blanket on reserve just in case we need it. Wine; our favorite kind. Some strawberries.

There she is...  Damn you're sexy...  Come here and kiss me.  My heart actually skips a beat. I think it's because I finally found someone that enjoys this as much as I do and you're just so damn amazing. 

I take her by the hand and lead her to the couch.  I pour her a nice tall glass of wine and then one for myself.  She grabs a strawberry and rocks herself back into my warm embrace just as the click of the TV fills the room and "The Big Lebowski" starts to play.

Quick conversations with such interesting content

Me - "I like your cardigan."

- My memory kicks in - The first time we spoke a song was playing that I hadn't heard in a long time.  You told me that you attract repeat customers with your awesome taste in music.  Also - you told me the name of the band was "The Cardigans" - Lovefool

Her (great big smile) - "Thanks! I like old woman clothes."

"Well - it suites you - though you're definitely not an old woman."

Her - (making coffee for the guy in front of me ~pumpkin latte with whipped cream - smiles again) - "Thank you!"

 - My brain again - Cardigans... Wool, cashmere, hers is cotton, second hand or handed down, machine knitted or very well done by hand - White with blue and other colors in vertical patterns on the front sides.  I like big, wool, cardigans...cozy...  Makes me feel like I look smart...  Walter...

Me - "Do you ever watch Fringe?"

Her (accessing memories and intrigued that this conversation is still going) - "No I never have.  Someone told me it was pretty interesting though."

"You should - just so you can see Walter in his big woolly cardigan."

~Giggles

Me still - "You know I've tried to find a cardigan like that, but you know I'm a big guy and have to buy big clothes so those cost like two hundred bucks."

~Funny looks when I say 'big guy'~"Do you ever try like thrift stores?"

Me (big grin) - "Yeah I love Unique - This jacket cost me like six bucks."

~~Other people from my workplace nearby seem werided out that I'm wearing a suit coat from a thrift store, pumpkin latte guy leaves~~

(Skipping parts of the conversation I can't remember clearly; basically I can't find a cardigan at Unique)

Her (big grin ~ keeping track of question she wanted to ask from before ~ nice) - "I basically live at Unique; that place is great.  It's funny to get a TV show recommendation based on what the character is wearing.  Hey - isn't Angel in that show?  um - David Boreanaz?"

Brain - accessing - no...unless that started since I stopped watching TV...  She must mean Peter...Similar facial bone structure if you only look for a second.

Me (bad...Thinking and talking at the same time) "No...That Peter guy from Dawson's Creek is in it though." heh...

"Oh - you mean - um - Josh Jackson!"

~~nice save!  Respect!

"Yep - that's him!"  (I don't think my grin ever went away, but it just turned into a full on smile)

Her - (Funny, not shame, but 'don't tell anyone' tone...)  "I used to love that show. I watched it all the time.  Did you know that him and Katie Holmes..."

~~~drifted~~~
Brain - and me to brain - sometimes you need to shut the fuck up man...  Yeah I can remember what she was saying, but dude she was talking! - brain - Why do I know so much about "Dawson's Creek?"  Oh yeah!  I used to watch that shit before school in the morning!  Wait - I liked that show.  Damn - that's shameful...

"...had a thing?"

"Wait - what?"

"Yeah Katie admitted that he was like her first love and all that. I have a weakness for news stand gossip."

~~I giggle~~ my "INNNteresting" face...

"Yeah shamefully I used to watch that show every morning before school."

Her - ("INNNteresting" face :) "That was on in the mornings?"

Me - "Yeah like when I was in college - too long ago for me to admit how old I am."

~another good giggle

Her - "oh man - now I'm trying to remember what shows I watched before school...  "Saved by the Bell."

Co-Worker - "Which one?  The college years?"

Her - "All of them!  Middle school, high school, the college years."

brain - holy shit I watched that too! - me/brain - can't remember if I said that out loud

Co-worker ~~ fades out of conversation ~~ sorry :| (Something about me only recently starting to come to that coffee shop and me going from quitting coffee to 4 shots of espresso, headaches, the girl I've been talking to recommends Tea. :)

Me - "Well - with my second stint at college I watched "Charmed" and "ER" every morning before class."

Her - ("Holy shit flooded with memories and shit to say" face) "Wow Charmed I love that show - and ER - wow... I love George Clooney, what a babe!"

Me - "heh - yeah I like Noah Wyle, he's pretty cool"

Her - (working - realizing the same thing I am)  "Okay wow this conversation went - wow.  Okay..."

Me - "Yeah we could probably go on forever.  I'm Jason..." (out-reached hand for hand shake)

GODDAMNIT!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!  PIECEOFSHIT!!!  IHATEYOUSOMUCHYOUASSHOLEFUCKINGBRAIN!  ???Ashley???
me to brain - why do you remember that the guy in front of us ordered a small vanilla latte, a water, a large pumpkin latte with whipped cream and asked about a banana - to which the reply was "not any good ones..." AND YOU CAN'T CLEARLY REMEMBER THE HOT GIRL'S NAME! ass hole...

Her - "My name is Ashley - did you say David?"

Me (~double take~ Laughing, because of my theory that people don't remember me...) "Jason."

(reciprocating handshake) - "I don't know why I heard David. Well it's nice to meet you Jason."  (I do - you think I'm hot like Angel!  HA!  No really - she's got David Boreanaz on the brain...  I was wearing one of my black shirts, no tie, with the top button open ~ I can see the resemb...who am I kidding...)

Me (big ass smile) - "You too."

All that while I watched her make a pumpkin latte and my soy latte...  Damn good too!  What is it with me and baristas?

I know more about you from the size of your shoes

I like puzzles.  Things that are unclear and are hard to figure out.  My brain's default mode is somewhere between the meaning of life and the nature of the universe.  At least there's music to help quiet the chaos.  I also love analyzing people.  It's so natural to me that I don't even notice when I'm doing it.  You combine those two facts - the puzzles and the people analyzing and that makes for one particularly interesting thing - me trying to meet women...

You know you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear.  Not just shoes, but clothes in general.  I like starting with the shoes because they hold come particularly interesting insights about a person - usually.  Does this girl dress for comfort or for looks? Are her shoes clean, polished, brand new?  Does she use her shoes as feet covers or does she make an effort to show them off?  Is she wearing boots - how high are the boots on her leg? Do they have heels?  Is she wearing heels?  What color are they?  Do they match her outfit? Is she wearing heels with jeans?  Of course you have to consider context...  Is she at work? Do her shoes relate to her job in some way? Yeah so it sounds weird, but I don't think about all of this every single time I meet a girl.  It only takes a couple of seconds.

School is a good setting, because we have a lot of choice in what we wear. I see a girl wearing old sneakers.  They're dirty and worn, but within social parameters of acceptableness.  She wears relatively new clothes; things like band tee shirts and relaxed jeans.  Some of her jeans have fringes on the bottom of the legs from dragging on the ground a little bit.  Pretty much no matter what else she's wearing she has on those same shoes.  It's because they're comfortable and she loves them.  She is a function kind of person, but also a tad sentimental. Works toward purpose rather than gain.  Probably introverted. Probably a thinker.  She was poor or not very well off when she was young, and her parents showed her -probably by example- how to work with what she's got.  For her, you add in some outward strength that was covering up her insecurity and I hit that nail on the head.  Interesting person...

Attitude comes into play after that, but its not hard to figure that out within a very short time during a conversation. I met a girl who one day started wearing a hat.  Funny little hat.  Turns out that her job was making everyone wear hats - understandable since she works in food service. But she wasn't wearing the same hat as everyone else.  Don't think for a second I didn't notice that like the moment I walked into the shop.  To me, before we even spoke, that said - she didn't want to wear the stupid ass hat that they wanted her to wear.  That gives me some interesting chimes into her personality.  It's possible she doesn't give a fuck about her job and 'fuck them I'm gonna wear my own fucking hat' <-- descriptive enough?  On the other hand it's quiet rebellion.  What's the worst they're gonna do? Make you put on the other hat...  Either way that girl's got some attitude.  Genuine fire...  Maybe some authority issues.  I bet she had an interesting childhood.  Yeah - I had to talk to her. (Did I mention I fucking fail at talking to women? - example - um, concert tonight um, you go, um, me, um...  The words are there - obviously, fucking look around - nerves man...what a bitch...)

Which brings me to the puzzles...  Oh man it's a bad thing for me when I'm confronted with a puzzle that I can't solve; NOT...GOING...TO...HAPPEN...  Here's a puzzle for you...  How do you take this vast amount of knowledge about human behavior, sociological and anthropological nuances, shake in the ability to read people's emotional state (yeah I'm like a real version of that Dr. Lightman guy on 'Lie to Me' accept not fake) - and turn that into me getting a date with hat girl, or shoe girl - or any woman for that matter.   FYI - yes I know their names and talked to both of them - shoe girl was years ago...  I'm sure they both thought I'm a really nice guy, maybe a little weird, and that's why they were extremely polite when they turned me down and/or lied to my face when I asked them out on a date...  It's hard to walk away from that one.  I suppose it would be easy if I was a complete ass-hole and used what I know to manipulate people into getting what I want.  I'm sure there's some kind of balance or something that I'm not considering that makes this make sense.

Yeah, maybe its weird that I know more about these people from the combined 10-20 minutes of conversation that we had then most people will ever know about them.  I've tried to turn it off really...  I don't think pick up lines like "Hey I've been watching you for a couple minutes and I bet I can describe aspects of your personality with about 90% accuracy." actually work...  Though I can tell ladies their bra sizes and what kind of underwear they have on - have to be careful with that one :-)

You Reminded Me

For some reason you seem like the kind of person who doesn't really like listening to things like this from people like me.  It's interesting though that something you said triggered a memory that's so dear to me and I really wanted to share it with you, because you're the person who brought the memory the light.  Weird that...  I'm fighting the urge to blurgh it out - highly personal crap - by telling everyone on my blog (so it's less awkward???).

Imagine 1994-1995 Jason...  13 Years old...  I had been home schooled up to this year and the most popular music I knew about was Mozart, Beethoven, Louis Armstrong, and Neil Diamond.  The kids in my class talked about shit like Billy Ray Cyrus because I lived in Hell.  To further frame things... I was doing college work before going back to 8th grade. The only two reasons I was there was because my father had just died and Kentucky has (had?) some bullshit policy about not allowing children to skip grades.

And then my Grandpa died.  My mom's dad.  This had a pretty big impact though I didn't really show it to anyone - or at least I don't remember showing it.  After Dad died we went to visit my grandparents and my Grandpa took me out shooting - that's what we did in my family.  He intimidated the fuck out of me and I couldn't shoot straight for shit.  He barely said four words to me the whole time.  Gave me an apple. That was it.  No moving inspirational movie scene grandpa grandson talk where he tells me the secret to life and lets me know that everything will be all right. Nope.  I got a grunt when I jerked the trigger. :-)  It was enough to spend that time with him though.  I blew the tops off some bowling pins after one of grandpa's (I dunno ass-hole) friends said I couldn't shoot.  In my head I made him smile.

So there I am at the funeral.  I know about half the people there.  The other half I honestly could give a shit about at that point.  I was really trying hard to not punch every single person who asked me who I was and how I knew Russell.  Grandma was being awesome and making most of us feel better, but this was a hard day.  Then I met one of my cousins that I had never met before.  The reason I had never met her is because she's the daughter of my Mom's step-sister. Whom I had never met before.  I'm 99% sure my cousin's name is Christi -  I'm terrible at remembering names...  I love Christi.  I hope that she remembers me and feels the same way that I do, because she is by far my favorite of my extended family.  She felt pretty much exactly the same as I did at that funeral.  And she was cool as fuck.  She said - "Let's get the fuck out of here."

And we fucking left...  Christi had a car and Christi.....had GOOD ASS TASTE IN MUSIC.  I had ear sex that day -  in the front seat of a piece of shit car.  I will never forget hearing "One Headlight" for the first time in that car.  It was like the world opening up to me.  It's like I didn't know that I could listen to music and someone was showing me that it was here waiting for me the whole time.  I don't remember what else we listened to, but I do remember that every single song was symphonic to me.  Christi and I had a real ass conversation too.  She talked to me like we were on the same level, not like she was older than me - which she was (wouldn't seem like it now).

The world definitely changed for me that day.  I became a different person.  I think that I modelled a big chunk of my personality after what I got from Christi that day too.  She was very introspective.  Very cool. And I remember several times where she said "Hey do you know what _______  is?"

She taught me what 1-800-WHAAAAAA means :-) Boo Hoo bitches.

An introspective extraverted weekend

If asked what I did this weekend I will be forced to direct people to this post because I feel there is no one correct answer.

The "normal" answer.

My friends and I took a road trip to an Island near Savannah, Georgia where we camped out and hung out for a couple of days on the beach.  On the way down we stayed the night in the parking lot of an Ingles grocery store in Asheville, North Carolina and then walked around town before continuing our journey.  We had an amazing time on the beach, collecting shells, walking up and down the shore line, drinking beers, discovering new and random things, and enjoying each other's company.  We will have to do something like this again soon.

The "Jason" answer.

I stood at the edge of the sea and contemplated the infinite complexity of our existence...  The bigness and yet the smallness of the world reminded me of the dualities of our own perceptions.  How our lives are so short, but so long.  How life is so complicated, yet so simple. How love is so eternal, but so fleeting.  Staring at the ocean, seeing the horizon where the world drops off puts things into a certain perspective.

The "romantic" answer.

I took a long walk down the beach and listened to waves crash against the shore.  I walked barefoot and found a perfect path so that every once in a while the water would walk up and kiss my feet.  After a while a light rain started to fall and everyone who was around scuttled back to their shelters leaving the entire shoreline all to me.  The rain subdued right around sunset.  The setting sun cast a dazzling array of light across the ocean.  I watched as a full spectrum, perfect arch rainbow formed over the sea on the horizon with a partial rainbow twin climbing its left side.  Every moment I wished I had someone to share these experiences with.

The "overly pessimistic" answer

I lost my motherfucking glasses!  My back hurts like a motherfucker because I fail at motherfucking sunblock! I fucked up my motherfucking feet like a motherfucker! But man - that shit was motherfuckin' fun.

The summary

My friends and I had a great weekend road trip.  I had a chance to take off on my own for some needed solitary introspection that just happened to involve the ocean which is one of my favorite places to be.  I loved hanging out with my buddies, doing new and random things, seeing new and random things, and just plain relaxing.  I highly recommend randomness, especially to people like me who don't usually do randomness; sometimes it's good for the soul; just be careful not to get too caught up in the moment or you might lose your damn glasses in the ocean...