Remember the van and the wasps?

A lot of families can say that they are "tight."  A lot of families can say, "we've been through some shit together."  A lot of families can say, "we've been to Hell and back together."  I can definitely say that my family is weird.  We are tight, because we have been though some serious shit together.  We actually laugh about Hell when we get together.  That doesn't stop us from getting angry at each other.  That doesn't stop us from getting stressed out.  I can look at my mom - and then look at my sister - and know - these are two people who, like me, know what it's like to have life throw shit in your face.

We didn't say "Happy Thanksgiving" the entire time we were together this week.  We hugged - tightly - and said - "damn, it's so good to see you."  We all thought about the stressful shit that we were bickering about, but we didn't bring it up.  We all were feeling the stress of the recent crap that's been going on in our lives, but we tried our damnedest to keep it bottled.  Though I think I failed at this, as I wasn't feeling too happy shiny.  I feel sorry for being stressed out.  It's not the attitude I've been trying to have and it's not how I wanted to treat my family.  I don't get to see them enough to spend my time with them feeling like crap.

We did have fun though.  I don't get to talk to many people the way I get to talk to my mom, my sister, and my brother in law.  They are more open minded than your average bunch, and when I say something - for the most part - I'm pretty sure they're going to understand it.  Of course we don't get into deep conversations about particle physics or spacial 4 dimensional perspective shifts (though that almost happened).  We talk about global social issues, history, philosophy, the human condition, my sister's unending stubbornness toward people in general, my unending will to put other people's needs ahead of my own, culture, politics, etc.  I love it.  Every second of it.  Even the parts that piss us all off because sometimes we are so much the same that we are so incredibly different and we bump heads.

I can't tell the whole story of my family yet - not today.  Just know that we don't fall into a category.  Chris Titus said it best when he said that the difference between 'normal' people and people who have been through some shit is that when shit is about to hit the fan... people who have been hit by the shit before know - to move the FUCK out of the way.  This is my family.  We are a group of hyper perceptive, stubborn ass, open minded, talkative, story telling, ~probably~ crazy people.  You can't get away with much around us :P we've seen it all - done most of it.  We love the hell out of each other.  We've seen what it's like to be at the bottom of the barrel together.  We've come back from some seriously fucked up shit together.

I love you guys.
Uncle Bubba

Or like a good hug

I can't really call Glasgow my home town.  I can't say with a definitive tone that I really have a home town.  I have no real roots accept in my family.  There's this area - Barren County, Metcalfe County, Monroe County, Cumberland County, Warren County - I guess if I have to say I'm from a place then this would be it.  So when I say I'm going home to visit my family, you can google map Glasgow Kentucky and zoom out just a bit and see where I'm talking about.  Every time I come here I feel like I've passed into the mother fucking twilight zone through revolving doors with murals of hell imprinted on the panes of glass.

But then I get back to Louisville...  Is this home?  Do I belong here?

Image Link

Is this what Louisville is?

Today I saw a friend who I have not seen since I shook his hand at my high school graduation.  The father of my childhood crushes, Randy.  He talked about traveling on his bike all across the country with all it's beauty but then, he says, no place is as beautiful as Kentucky. There's something about it that tells you that you are home.  My Mom agreed.  As did my sister and her husband.  They went on about how they can just ~tell~ when they pass into Kentucky that they are home.  Being the way I am - I could tell what they were feeling...  I could tell what they were talking about, but I have not - not a single once - in my life felt that way.  And just like right now as I'm typing this - I almost cried...

As I leave this place tonight or tomorrow, I will feel less and less like I'm being tightly packed into a box...  As I get closer and closer to Louisville and to my apartment I will get less and less of a feeling that I want to scream and run as fast as I can away from this place.  As I breach that county line and my eyes finally gaze upon that glorious sign that says - Louisville Metro - I will exhale and I will feel less stressed.  The first thing I will do when I get home - is turn on my Xbox and find some noise to drown out some of my thoughts (the same thing I do every day).  I might finish cleaning my apartment and then run off to a coffee shop to do some solitary work.  What won't happen... I won't feel like I've been wrapped in a warm blanket fresh from the drier.  I won't be reminded 'why I come back'.  I won't have anyone or anything waiting for me.

I'm not in the mood to argue with you - so - I know that I have friends, a job, and an apartment (albeit fuck-that-place)...  I love my friends.  I have a good job.  Fuck my apartment really.  You know the other stuff though?  Everything that you think about...and do...and love...and care about or care for...  It's funny - and so far no one has really understood this - but I don't know how to do that (not for myself)...  That's why I write. (so that I can do it for my characters and then whine about it?)

I'm in one of those moods where this is going to take a thousand routes and end up a stream of consciousness into endlessness...  This already went in a way different direction than I intended.  I will wrap up by saying this.  I've never felt more comfortable in a place than I do in Louisville, but everywhere I go I feel alone - ghostly - like a fixture...  Time for flows...

Where's the one with the vibrating option?

It's time to offer an interesting perspective to human reproduction and male/female gender roles that developed from listening to an interview with some really smart woman whose name I really wish I could remember so that I could cite the holy hell out of her research.  The basic premise of the perspective is that in modern society ~ men have become basically useless.  We just haven't realized it yet.  Also, with the thus far patriarchal nature of our society men have not been able to see past our own false sense of superiority to realize that we are basically nothing.

Think about human society 150,000 years ago and think about what men's roles in that society were.  They were the protectors, the hunters, the lifters, the leaders, the human shields against the raw brutal world for the women and children so that the species could propagate.  That's how men grew up and that's how their brains are wired.  Men naturally, instinctively want to do those things and when they get back from conquests ~ they want to put their seed inside the ladies in order to keep the cycle going.  Women's roles were different of course.  They are a temple of propagation - the house of life.  Their bodies are designed to create and care for new life.  They gathered, cooked, skinned, cured, cared, taught, healed, gave birth.  They also spent a lot of time building society from behind the scenes when you think about it, because when men were out hunting and fighting ~ women were back at home keeping the house straight. (History was recorded by men remember?  We will never know for sure...)

Now think about society today and Men's roles today.  As a man... I have no reason to go out and kill anything...ever...  The only enemies that we have in the world - are only there because men really seem to like to piss off other men and send more men to kill and die for them. Again...I have no reason to do any of this - accept that I have no problem with killing people who kill lots of people for bullshit reasons. (I really am a man...)  10 years ago a woman could justify having me in her life purely for the reason of opening jars and getting stuff off the top shelf, but even that has been replaced with technology.

http://www.bookofjoe.com/images/2007/09/29/1hjkhjg.jpg

Not all that long ago women weren't well educated, couldn't vote, couldn't be leaders in society.  They didn't work and if they did it was crap work for low wages.  Aside from a very few select women in a few families and a couple of revolutionaries - before the 20th century women were pretty much just shit on.  Today, we're still not perfect, but here's my point.  If every single man in the world got sick right now...  Women are ready to step the fuck up and they would probably do a much better job at it then men do.  I say they would do better because the face of politics wouldn't have all the "my balls are bigger than your balls" shit mixed in.

Where's that leave me as a man?  What's my role here?  I really don't matter to society any more.  Women are just as smart as me now. They can have all the same roles as me now.  What do I really offer?

I'm a dildo...  Yup...  I'm a live action - animatronic - dildo - that shoots reproductive juice - ONLY if she decides she wants it.  Women have complete control.  They are the keepers of MOST of what it takes to unlock the creation of life and men have a pocket full of keys and we're just trying to shove them into that lock.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/86/Sperm-egg.jpg

She doesn't need me for creative, constructive, interesting conversation - she has girlfriends for that.  She doesn't need me to get food.  She in no way needs me to survive, entertain, or to live.  Unless she's just bored and feels like playing with the little man puppet.  "Come here little man puppet - try and put your reproductive juice in me.  Do tricks! Dance little man puppet! No you can't put that in me, or if you do cover it with this first." -- "But...But...Propagation...Conquer...roar?"

Now, I realize that relationships exist and they exist for a reason - several reasons.  I'm sure I'll write an article to that effect sometime soon.  But think about it...  In general - soon - men could basically just be hooked up to some machines and plucked down whenever women want one that suits their needs. Women have 99% of the circle of life and in society today the average man is just running around trying to complete the circle.

**new pickup line**  "Hey baby - can I complete your circle?"

Like the hole in your ceiling you don't notice any more.

I really am a ghost.  I blend into the scenery like a fixture to the environment.  I've actually seen people have a reaction to my presence that resembles ~not realizing that pole was there the whole time.  It's a great relief when I see someone from my past and they remember me; especially when I haven't seen them for a really long time.  I thought this was all in my head - that this was my insecurity screwing with my hyperactive observations of people doing things that everyone else doesn't notice ~ but ~ these things don't happen to other people.

I'm a big guy...  I'm 6'1".  I have a naturally wide stature, and I'm stocky to boot.  In the last year I've gone from 330lbs to 265lbs - still - not a small guy.  In a room chuck full of random people (like a club) I'm probably going to be one of the biggest people.  This is a prelude to a little known fact among my friends - I love to dance.  I may not be awesome at it, but I can move pretty well and I keep rhythm like a boss. (One trick is finding the right balance of tequila with the right kind of music ~ if you are interested in seeing this phenomenon.)

So picture a taller Seth Rogan when he was stocky ~ liquid dancing and pop-n-lock dancing in the back of a crowd of people. (That's exactly it!)  The first time someone walked by and ran into me I didn't really think anything of it.  The second time  I just brushed my shoulders of it.  The third time I thought that I might be standing in the middle of a walk way, so I turned to look, and I was the tip of a person peninsula with a radius of open space around me about 15 to 20 feet where people could walk and NOT run in to me.  I mean come on!  I have the presence of a fucking brick wall!  These ass holes who are running into me are a fourth my size!  I could seemingly pick them up and toss them like a tiny little caber.  Then person number four runs into me.  Then five.  six... seven... eight.... nine... ten...  Thank goodness it was my birthday - and I had had a lot of tequila.  Every time I checked - LOTS of room to not run into the dancing brick wall.  So then...

One of the security guards for the club ran in to me.  Oh man I was really drunk... (forgot to mention I moved after person 4 almost knocked me over and it kept happening)  Something about the fact that he was a security guard pissed me off - so I started following him around...and dancing...behind him...while he worked.  This went on for quite some time - he never noticed...  Really?  I'm so invisible that the SECURITY GUARD didn't notice me following him around and dancing behind him...  wow... (This dude was a beast too)

http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsR/56893.gif

~mad respect~ if you know who this guy is!

"Whatever Jason - you're just weird and over think everything."  Fine - sure...  So - I decided to test this on an occasion when I was by myself and I got some really fucked up results and reactions.  I went to a dance club - now given - these are potentially drunk people... still...  I went to a spot where I was out of the way and stood about 6 feet away from an object - to my left (it was a barrel). To my right there was about 30 feet of open space - no people AT ALL.  Bump (left side) - (at least I got a 'my bad dude' and a pat on the shoulder. - dude was not drunk) - bump 2 (left side) 3 - left...  So - I halved the distance between me and the barrel.  bump - yup - left side... one more of those and I halved the distance again.  And a dude fucking SQUEEZED between me and barrel to get by! - So I went and leaned on the barrel. bump...  Then - I look in front of me at this girl who was dancing - she looked behind and noticed me.  I smiled and I don't know, I kind of expected a smile back... And she got this "Did that wall just smile at me?" look - like confusion...  So...  I went and got a beer... and I found a pole in the back of the room... and I just leaned against it to listen to the music and think. bump... Are you fucking kidding me?  I looked at this dude - like - really?  He looked at me like - "HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE A HUMAN!"  Really - his eyes got HUGE like there was NO way that I was there a second ago and BOOM he just fucking ran in to me and I appeared out of thin air.

See - I would think that it was all in my head if like - the baristas from this coffee shop that I've been coming to for the last 2 years recognized me - not remember me - just recognize me - when I come in...

Flooble - Flooble?

So, this Encounters thing has been quite a trip so far.  I've tried to apply some of the feedback I've gotten from the good folks who have been good enough to offer it up - or whom I have bugged the shit out of (sorry).  I'm sure my friends and acquaintances who read it have noticed that I borrow from my personal life quite a bit in order to develop the characters.  It's actually an interesting process that I wanted to talk about a little bit and I will, but I wanted to clear some stuff up before I get in trouble with anyone or before anyone takes anything the wrong way.

First - Marie isn't anyone I know in real life. PERIOD.  If you notice similarity to someone you know - sorry... If you put some kind of connection to someone I know to Marie ~ well ~ Marie's personality is based on like 4 people I know (we'll get there later)

The same goes for Matt...

Not Allie - she came from a dream.

Which brings us to Alex - that's a hard one - because Alex is my inner monologue. He's the result of this blog and all the stuff that I've been trying to do with myself  for the past year and a half or so.  I know anyone reading him still sees him as an introverted locked up little puppy dog, but hey - we're just getting started...

Now - I did notice that I included a cameo of someone from my real life in the story that hasn't gotten any description or notice yet.  There are probably like 2 people who know who I'm talking about and by the time that character comes back around - well - let's just say her and the person who sparked the idea are not the same person they just happen to have the same job. (Also possible that Alex had a crush on Heather as well - sigh) yay vagueness!

Some quick notes on character development and then I have to go!  I have, because of the way my brain works, running personality profiles of pretty much every person I have ever known running around in my head.  Rather than basing the characters in my story on a particular person - I took aspects of several people from my present and past who were inspirational to me in some way and developed them into a singular person.  I have Marie's personality profile written up on a piece of paper - right down to some of her psychological issues (not the roots of those issues of course).  I plan to publish the profiles of all the main characters somewhere once I have developed them enough that I feel comfortable doing so.

Peace!

WYSIWYG

Now I'm confused...  Okay - so - yeah, I'm guilty of taking things that are simple and straight forward and making them complicated.  No one will ever accuse me of thinking too little.  At least I know why I do it.  I like complicated things.  Also - this whole concept of 'thinking outside of the box' - I have trouble seeing the box - I mean I think without barriers...  It's a struggle for me sometimes.  When people ask questions that have obvious answers or when something is staring me right in the face - I have trouble seeing those things.  I  actually think I look stupid sometimes when someone intelligent asks me a question - I go on a brain trip trying to answer the question, but then when they tell me the answer it's like - "oh - duh. Why'd you even ask that question?"  Of course I feel like a jackass, because I didn't look at the ground level first.  I went straight for the complex answers.

So - yeah - confused... Usually when I can't figure something out it's either because I need to do a bunch of research, simply because I don't know enough about the subject matter. Like astronomy, I really don't know a whole lot about that... (Sounds weird coming from this guy right? - Astrophysics is another matter) Or because the answer is so simple that I'm overlooking it.  That's probably the case here.  For example - if a girl liked me she would probably have to come right out and tell me.  I've already spent a couple hundred brain hours trying to figure it out - me and the brain - we're getting nowhere fast...  Oh - I've analyzed the situation to death, I promise you that.  I've noticed little things and come up with what I'm sure is every possible reason for those occurrences.  Consulted and consorted, come up with the best plan of action - decided that the best plan of action will get me nowhere based on personality traits...  and - you know - ended up right back where I started...

Crazy confused bastard.  I don't mind waiting - I'm infinitely patient.  What I don't like is not knowing, or really not being in the game enough to be able to tell.

And then I'm struck by a beauty and presence so powerful that in that moment I forget all past beauties.  My mind is clear, my future seems certain.  I look into those eyes, hear that laugh, absorb myself into her.  Desire, lust, passion, fusion...  Her smell is intoxicating...  Her touch is soothing...  Her voice is hypnotizing...

Of course - reality sets in quickly and I get smacked right back down to earth.  Dude...