What do you want?

2012 was kind of a rough year, but I'm choosing to look at it as something good. It was a time where I took a moment of meditation to try and figure some stuff out about myself.  I was mostly unsuccessful in some of the things that I was trying to accomplish, but looking back that was probably a good thing since I was choosing to concentrate on things like relationships - women - and bringing someone else into the state of chaos I was in - well - there's no good excuse for that.  Between my whining about women and the introspective depressing shit I was going through - there was some other, more existential - you know - what's life all about - what do I want to do with my life - shit going on too.  The time has arrived for me to release these thoughts from my head - since what usually ends up happening if I don't -  is my thoughts end up in a knock-down-drag-out in muh brain - and nothing ever comes of them...

My best friend keeps asking me - "What do you want?" - trying to get me to think about myself outside of the contexts of social norms, culturally prescribed life choices, and my own current set of constraints I have placed on myself.  That's a rough question for me to answer - as I'm sure my new fan will appreciate - ever since I was a kid I thought I was meant for something really meaningful in the world and everything I have ever attempted to do for myself - for some reason or another - I have failed at to epic proportions.  So in this time I have been working on this problem - what will make me happy - what do I want to do - where do I want to end up - goals - etc - I have been trying to work under the presumption that whatever I attempt will be successful.  By successful I mean, make me happy and allow me to build a life from the results.

Firstly - I have to acknowledge that - I'm not like other people...  I don't think like other people, I don't feel like other people, I don't remember things like other people, I didn't grow up in any way like other people.  My buddy keeps mentioning that people tend to view their life choices through the social filters that society puts on them - yeah dude - you're totally right - but I didn't have society telling me what was normal when I was growing up.  Maybe later when I went to college and started watching movies and started analyzing people and social norms I got a glance of that world - but one of my biggest problems is that I have an extremely hard time placing myself inside of that view - inside of any social view.  I can barely see myself in a relationship because in order to do that I have to breach this social barrier that I just can't seem to climb.  My problem isn't that when I think about what I want it gets passed through social norms - my problem is that when I think about what I want - the things that I want either land me as a hermit - or completely depend on the social interaction that I can't seem to bring myself to.

So - here we go - without too much detail - what I have come up with so far:

The first one requires some detail - -
You're homeless - you're drunk - you're walking down the street - and you fall, landing in the middle of the street banging you're head on the concrete.  Eh - you're fine, didn't really feel it - but shit - you can't get up.  So - some dude comes and helps you up - he buys you some coffee - and he sits and has a conversation with you - - until the cops show up and take you to jail.

You're a house wife - a mother - your child not your husband's.  You've been married for 2-3 months and in that time you've barely had physical contact with your husband - also - your husband has told you out-right that the only reason you got married was so that he could be there for your child, basically admitting to you that he has little or no feelings for you - only for your child. - you don't have a job and you can't look to your family for monetary support.

You're under employed, you can't afford your car insurance - or you have to choose between paying your electric bill this month and renewing your insurance - you get pulled over - this is your second offense - because you know - you're broke, but you still have to get to work and school on time.  Since you had a gap in your insurance coverage your insurance rates went up - the courts make you pay for a full year of insurance up front, plus a fine, plus court costs - or go to jail for 180 days - now what?

Every day thousands of corporate lobbyists work toward the benefit of a single goal - making money - and very few work toward the benefit of actually making this world a better place.  Politicians listen to one thing - we can influence voters - whether it be through money or notoriety.

This has been a dream of mine for a long time - to start an organization with the purpose of actually helping people on an individual level.  I'm not saying that we could take that homeless guy and turn his life around - but I'm saying that they could call us instead of the cops - and instead of him spending the night in a jail cell - we could give him some coffee, people to talk to, and a warm bed with blankets - maybe a hot meal in the morning.  We would solicit to lawyers to volunteer their services, or offer their services at a discounted price - also to financial advisers - job placement services - hell, maybe even transportation services.  Also - very importantly - to mental health professionals - to volunteer their time to talk to people who need help.  I can only imagine the extent of this organization - basically - I want to pick up where society leaves off - and genuinely help anyone who needs it.

The second goal of this organization is to grow.  I want everyone to know who we are - so that when I walk into a senator's office and say - we need to increase spending on education - they will listen to what I have to say - not by a matter of choice, but for the reason of good politics.

Crap - that's just one!

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I'm not going to tell you what it's about - but I have had a book idea in my head for at least the last 7-8 years.  I've been making excuses about why I haven't written it - you would probably call it fear of success - or fear of rejection - or fear of failure.  I just feel like no one is going to get it - either that or people ARE going to get it completely in the most fucked up way possible.  So - either it goes nowhere or I piss a lot of people off when I tell them what it's actually about.  SHIT - I didn't do what I said I as going to do.  I'm going to start over...

I'm going to write a book based on my life - that will definitely piss some people off.  I know it sounds fucked up, but I feel like my life is a good example of exactly how a different perspective of the world can really change the way you experience things.  I've seen how subtle influences can affect people when they are finally confronted with a challenge - good, bad, and neutral...  The goal is to plant seeds that generations after we are gone will grow into something that the world can be proud of.

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Fuck you dude - It's hard for me to think selfishly like that. What - open a fucking restaurant?  Do you actually think I would be happy even if it was walking distance from the beach?

So - yeah - the third option - which would allow me to also work on the second option if I was ninja enough. - - open a fucking restaurant within walking distance from the beach... Breakfast and lunch only - maybe dinner ONLY if money requires it.  I say this because - every time I think about being near the ocean I almost cry - and the chance to do something I really love to do - yeah - it would be dumb not to consider.  This is the life option - the walks on the beach - meet someone fun to laugh with - enjoy life because life is here to enjoy - option...  Spend my days cooking and managing a small restaurant - spend my nights on or near the ocean - writing - talking to people - gaining and giving knowledge...

mmmm - tacos - meatballs - steak sandwiches - gyros - and a whole array of cold - feel good food - like micro green salad - that just makes you feel alive when you eat it - oh man this option is making me feel good about myself. - - Ever feel like - you just don't know what you want to eat? You go to a restaurant and everything looks - blah - I'm gonna be that guy that you come see when you're like that - and I'm gonna be like - here eat this - and everything will feel better after that. - mmm - like micro-green and avocado tacos topped with chipotle mayo with black beans and a cold beer - on a hot day when you're on your way to the beach and you don't want to stuff yourself.  That would cost like $6.00 - $7.00 with a domestic beer.

Okay - so - there's my top 3 - there are 2 more, but I'm less optimistic about those two - and I think they would require some serious shit to happen.  If you have thoughts - or ideas - Facebook!